woensdag 16 juli 2014

On NOT getting pregnant.

Since I was about 17 I have known that getting pregnant would not be easy. Around this age the doctor told me I have PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome). It actually is quite a common syndrome,not dangerous and it is treatable….not cure-able….but treatable. It affects certain aspects of my life ( I will save that for some other time) but other than that is easy to live with……until you actually want to get pregnant.

It was always my fear that when I would be in that position of trying to have a baby, it would become an obsession. And it did!!! I have only been married for a year and a half and I know so many couples have been trying for so much longer…but men…it is hard sometimes. I have been experiencing emotions, expectations and disappointments that I have never experienced before. Also I have never felt more out of control…..really, just relaxing is not doing the trick.

I have so many thoughts on this subject and learned so much about my body in this last year. And for myself I think it is good to write some of it down and perhaps someone else will benefit from it as well.

For now, we are taking a little “Break”. The last 5 months especially have been somewhat exhausting. I am really grateful for good doctors and fancy medication but at some point you just need some room to breath. It is so easy to only focus on this. To define myself only based on this. To only put energy in this. And with THIS I mean: fertility or the lack of it. I am so much more than that. Right now I am creating space for my self, space to breathe, space to be happy no matter what, space for God and space to be romantic againJ

I am very aware that I live in very blessed circumstances, like a country where I can go to the doctor and where a lot of the medicines are paid for……and that I have a great husband to go through this with…..he is the optimist of optimistsJ

I think we all have things in our lives that we associate ourselves with or things that we let define ourselves. And although sometimes that can be a good thing…for me it is important to realize that I am build up out of many things, talents, characteristics, fears, expectations etc. And for me it is essential to not get preoccupied with something that I can only control a little bit ….or not at all. Stress has never changed the future for me…..it has only given me headaches.


Ps: please excuse my grammar.

Pps: But really, how can you blame me….I mean, how could anyone not be impatient to have a baby like this?! (Yes, that is my cute husband)

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